Le Divorce

If you had asked me three years ago, if I thought I would be in the place that I’m in now I never would’ve guessed that I’d be here swimming and sadness. I think what’s hardest is that people to keep telling me to just get over it. Be happy. Don’t be sad. Life‘s better off this way. And well, that may be true, I’m allowed to feel my feelings. I would never tell someone else to just get over it. Should you wallow in self-pity forever? No. But should you be allowed your grieving process? Absofuckinglutely! You can’t ever hope to properly resolve trauma if you don’t allow yourself to go through all the feelings that are necessary for healing to begin.

So, this post is part of my healing process. I genuinely do not understand how my relationship went from love and support to silence, distain, and neglect. From speaking every day to not even being respected enough to have my text messages answered. I may have mentioned the Polaris joined the army. I’m pretty upset about this, but mostly for the incredible waste of federal money that is going to go in to his one year of service. He’s here on a conditional visa based on marriage, no marriage..,no renewal of conditional visa. So when his visa’s up in January 2027, unless the army decides to sponsor him, he has to leave. The army isn’t known for sponsoring immigrants. In fact, when I Googled it, it said that they absolutely would not sponsor anyone.

But I digress. Polaris told me that he was going to come pay off some things and go home. I had no idea that he was still planning on going into the military. However, given how selfish he is I probably should’ve realized before now that that was going to be his plan. And since the army is so desperate for people, they conned him right into joining. I doubt they even considered the consequences for themselves. Why? Because he’s a body. Hh’s a recruit and that’s all that matters. If he gets kicked out later because his immigration is done, that’s not the recruiters problem. They’ve gotten their gold star for meeting their quota.

More digression… I had planned to file our income taxes together as married filing joint one more year and keeping the tax return. After all of the things that I’ve done all of myself that I’ve given I felt like I deserved that. Normally, I don’t feel entitled to things, but in this particular case, I feel entitled to that money. However, him joining the military totally threw a wrench in my plan. So I politely asked him if we could please file together and I could keep the refund. This is how the conversation went.

Will I hear from him again? That’s debatable. I have a feeling that his “I can’t accept that” is the end of it. Which is very unfortunate, but not holy unexpected. Like I said, he is incredibly selfish. During our 10 months together in the US, he wouldn’t give an inch on anything. Marriage is supposed to be about love and working together and compromise…and he refused to compromise on anything including talking to the 15-year-old then 16-year-old girl that he developed in an emotional attachment to. When I was trying to figure out, if Polaris had gone into the military, I was talking to his Bestie over the couple of days our conversation went like this:

“He knows he’s wrong”…but he does it anyway. The other thing that hurts is that everyone still wants me in their life (Obviously, except Polaris, who can’t wait to get rid of me), and don’t want to accept that I want to break off the relationships. Here’s the messages with his family:

See how they don’t want to let me go? That’s sweet, but it also makes it harder.

This post really has been therapeutic. I feel better than I felt all week. Maybe I’ll finally get a good night of sleep tonight.

So in the meantime, I’ve done a little dating. Nothing that really went well. Currently, I’m talking to…technically…three men. One I really like but he barely messages me, which is how we know he’s not gonna make the cut. There’s one local that I’m going to meet this weekend. I do like him, but there’s also someone in California who I’ve been talking to longer. They both seem really great. And they both make me feel really good about myself. But as we know from my last experience that doesn’t always last. However, I did get this message from one of them and it makes my heart pretty melty:

I don’t need a lot out of life and I don’t really think that I’m an overly needy partner. I just want someone who appreciates me for me. I desperately want to be cherished. I want to be someone else’s priority. I want someone who wants to spend time with me. I want someone who accepts me with all of my quirks. And in return, I’ll do all of these things for them. I’ll be their biggest cheerleader. I’ll pick them up when days are sad. I’ll take care of them when they’re sick. I’ll make them feel like they’re the most amazing person alive because they are.

I guess that’s enough for now. I hope that this post helps someone else the same way that it’s helped me. Don’t let other people make you feel small. You don’t need them in your life if they treat you like you’re nothing. Don’t let other people treat you like you’re less than you are because you are a bad ass bitch (and I say that whether you’re male or female)! You’re amazing! You are a gift from the universe. People who have you in their lives are damn lucky that you’re there. You are now and always will be absolutely enough just the way you are. If the people around, you can’t see that you’re enough you don’t need them.

Until next time, please be good to yourself. Take good care of your health…cold season is coming. Don’t forget to do some self-care. And buy yourself that treat, you totally deserve it! Love, Zuzu.