It’s Fine. I’m Fine. Everything’s Fine…

I’m not sure I have ever felt this broken. Sane and yet insane. Calm and yet inside me is chaos. To the outside world, I look like a tired but poised and well put-together woman. I have a smile on my face, I make sure that my eyes sparkle so they don’t give anything away, and I remember to use my calm, professional voice. Some days, I think my masking skills should win an award. Most days I wish I could hide a home and not have to mask. Quick Polaris update before I keep going…we’re staying together for now…I’m not sure we are sustainable forever, but for now, he wants to make an effort…I’m sure Tunisia will call him back eventually.

I’ve discovered an artist I really like named SkyDxddy. Their songs really speak to me. A few of them even feel as if I could have been the one to write them. They are coming to a large city in the state just south of me in October and I REALLY wish that I could afford tickets. To be honest, at the moment I can’t afford much of anything. In fact, I am currently $265 short of the car payment that is supposed to come out of my checking account tomorrow. I also somehow managed to schedule two payments to catch back up, so really I’m $1765 short.

And since Friday was pay day, I will have a negative account balance for almost two weeks. Meanwhile, my car tabs ($550), phone bill ($700 thanks to international calls), and three small loan payments (totaling about $500) are all due on the 23rd. I was trying to be responsible and go through debt resolution, but now I am drowning. I constantly feel like I am one snarky coworker comment away from a full on panic attack and mental break from reality.

I mean….if you read the last post you could probably tell there is an internal struggle going on. I just need a break somewhere. I’ve been trying to get a second job to earn some money and nothing is working out. I wish that $3,000 would magically find it’s way into my bank account. Then I’d feel like I could breathe. But since I know that isn’t going to happen, I’ll just keep trying.

I got sidetracked, sorry. It’s hard to concentrate on things because I constantly feel sick and worried lately. Anyhow, back to SkyDxddy. They have two songs that I particularly love: Medusa and Don’t Talk About It. There are two versions of Don’t Talk About It. I like them both, but I love the Sad Version more. I can feel the chorus deep in my soul. Here are the lyrics (I bolded the parts that resonate with me the most and underlined the one that resonates, but isn’t acted on):

Don′t ask me how I'm doing, I′m gonna lie to you

I feel the need to please my people, it's just what I do

So dry your tears, I always got you, ain't as bad as it seems

I can′t imagine if I lost you, you mean too much to me

I′m writing paragraphs to beg you not to end it all tonight

'Cause I know that you would always do the same for me, right?

If the roles are reversed and I was fading away

You′d take my 13 reasons why and give me a billion to stay

What do you mean you can't talk right now? I knew I was a burden

No-one wants to talk to me when I′m really hurtin'

And this is why I lie, why I smile and fake it all

Being broken isn′t hot to you, depression's a turn-off

So turn it off, pretend again that everything's okay

Save the mental breakdown, save the tears, ignore the pain

Wait ′til you′re alone so no-one sees you at your worst

'Cause the more you open up, the more it fuckin′ hurts

Ohh, nothing that I do for you is ever good enough

Get out of my head, you ruined everything I love

Can't even go home, the memories might eat me alive

I′m dying, but I'm trying to survive

I′m trying not to cry, I'm trying to provide

I'm lying to myself when I say that everything is fine

Why would I self-care if there is no self-love?

How do I remain selfless as I create more cuts?

Why do they stare like I′m a freak in a cage?

Do you really fucking think that I enjoy this pain?

Don′t you know that I loathe it when you all press your little noses

As you kill a little piece of me under nods of condolences?

I think that I'm out of my mind and I don′t want you to know

But I cut deep this time because I wanna let go

"Hang in there, baby" it sounds so easy and basic

And it's easily said from someone who already made it

I ain′t strong enough to make it through another day

And I'm so fucking tired of saying it′ll be okay

Prove that shit, or get out of my face

'Cause you don't know what′s in my head, or why I numb the pain away

And you don′t care, neither, so stop acting like you do

I don't need you to be fake, I just needed someone to talk to

Ohh, nothing that I do for you is ever good enough

Get out of my head, you ruined everything I love

Can′t even go home, the memories might eat me alive

I'm dying, but I′m trying to survive

I'm trying not to cry, I′m trying to provide

I'm lying to myself when I say that everything is fine

I've gotten so used to pretending to be who you need and not who I am

When will I learn my lesson? These are the confessions of an empath in need of a friend

Ohh, nothing that I do for you is ever good enough

Get out of my head, you ruined everything I love

Can′t even go home, the memories might eat me alive

I′m dying, but I'm trying to survive

I′m trying not to cry (trying not to cry)

I'm trying to provide

I′m lying to myself when I say that everything is fine

Writers: Daniel Gong, Hannah DeMarino (lyrics from: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/SkyDxddy/dont-talk-about-it-sad-version)

The difference between the two versions is the chorus. The one to the regular version goes:

Every time I open up, I know what you say (don't talk about it)

It′s like you're so far gone, you think I′m insane (don't talk)

You said, "Be honest", and you just walked away (don't talk about it)

No matter what I do, it′s always the same (don′t talk)

Wake up, wake up

Save up, save up

Just play the part, don't talk

It′s the middle, miserable, dystopia

Don't talk about it (talk about it)

Don′t talk about it

(Don't talk)

Writers: Daniel Gong, Hannah DeMarino (lyrics from: https://www.musixmatch.com/lyrics/SkyDxddy/dont-talk-about-it)

A third song that I really like of theirs is called Choker. I won’t post the lyrics to that one, but it’s the song of theirs that feels the most like it could have been ripped right out of my head. I want to write them a letter and tell them how much their music means to me, but I’m sure they get tons of fan mail and might not even have time to read it. I guess this post is kind of like a big thank you letter to them. On the off chance you see this, Skylar, thank you so much for your music. It speaks to my soul and makes me feel much less alone. I wish you all good things for the future and look forward to whatever you put out next. Who knows, maybe I’ll make it to a concert and get to see you in person.

Thanks for reading. I know I don’t really have traffic here, but I appreciate anyone who does read what I write. Depending on how the next year or so goes, once I finish paying off this debt settlement that is killing me I want to be able to travel more and start blogging about my travels. I’ve done enough rambling for today though.

Please remember how wonderful you are. You are talented, kind, and worthy of everything you want. And above all, you are absolutely ALWAYS enough. Until next time, stay safe out there…it seems to be getting crazier by the day.

Love, Zuzu